closing in

In a few hours there will only be 5 weeks of classes left in my undergraduate career. Even better, since the class only meets 2 days a week, there will only be 10 days of class left, which I believe the last day of class is only for checking in all lab materials, thus leaving only 9 real class days left!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately our grades are not being posted as each paper and assignment is being graded so I don't have a clue how I am doing. I know my reports have not been very good. The AI appears to be fairly lenient. One day in a light hearted conversation amongst him, I, and a few other students I asked if all you really needed to do was not complain to pass the class and he replied with pretty much. This was most likely said as a joke, but I'm really hoping there is some truth to that.

I'm 3 semesters behind in the course's material, which sucks on major donkey dongs. Yet again, I've been lazy about trying to rehash it, just in hopes that I can get by with a passing grade and graduate. I hate that I do that. The weird thing is that I really enjoy learning the stuff, so why is it so hard to get myself to do something I really enjoy? I can't figure that one out.

I do read a lot about atheism everyday, though have no real working knowledge of any religions or church/state separation or much else. I read the blogs and some news everyday, sometimes for several hours. I do enjoy it, but I really need to start understanding U.S. history and historical U.S. documents and start becoming active in the fight to keep the supernatural bullshit out and putting the rational in.

I'm still scared about what life is going to be like after I graduate, meaning I'm still afraid of myself. I still have barely looked for a job applying my upcoming degree. I do finally have a job right now doing bitch work in retail. It's not bad and I did the exact job for a few years anyways, so I fell right back into it. I'm finally working back to financial freedom.

I also ran my first 5K equivalent last week and it was awesome. I am really starting to see improvement, which means I am getting healthier. YAY!

a little rant

For believers, their only purpose is to make god happy.

A god who is omnieverything is somehow not happy if you live for yourself, and perhaps those around you.

And you're the selfish one for living such a vile way to not satisfy god.

I finally took a step

Today I finally made a step in my skeptical life of pointing out something that was mentioned by CFI but not backed up. I felt nervous for some reason, which is probably due to it being my first time and being afraid that what I was saying was either wrong due to me missing something and/or I was scared of the rebuttal, which is probably the biggest reason for my fear of not saying anything in the first place.

I did get a response and I don't know if I should make another rebuttal or not. It turns out I was right in what I said, but the reason was that there footage was intermittent and they couldn't get what I was looking for. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to just let it go and believe them or to claim bullshit. Would the skeptic not claim bullshit? I'm still new to this and will be for a while.

I can feel it

I'm sure I've written about this before, or not. I keep finding myself in the position of wanting to become very active in the atheist (separation of church and state) and gay movements, but have yet to take any action. I know I'm not very knowledgeable on either topic when it comes to law, history, and other things. I know I could not go into a debate well armed. I'm ready to jump out of this damn shell I've been stuck in my whole life. I'm ready to scream...

getting there

There are only 9 class days left of my current next-to-last class of my undergraduate career. Being taught in less than 5 1/2 weeks makes for an intense course, especially for an upper level math course. We're doing well plugging through it but I kept having a hard time keeping concepts in my memory even if I understood them when I was reading about them. This made for some suck moments of not getting newer topics, some of which I kept trying to understand and could not so I have been going over all of the sections yet again, along with doing practice problems to drill them in my head. I still have the four latest sections to get to, which I have only slightly touched. When I say slightly, I mean either I have only touched it through class lecture or I have gone through it with no understanding. We have the largest homework assignment due in 2 days and I still have over half of the old stuff to get through before I even get to the homework topics. Ball suck'n.

At least I'm learning something. I have been wondering lately if I was ever really going to learn anything in my degree. I am sure that I have learned more than I really think, but there is just, probably/hopefully, some suppression that I still have yet to release in order to let it flow. I feel that this is the case with my drumming skills. I always feel afraid to just let go and let it all flow, which makes everything I play sort of choppy and on the verge of catastrophe. I suppose almost every aspect of my life is that way.

On a good note, I have been running everyday with the exception of one, for 17 days now. I'm not sure if it is due to the running but I have noticed just in the last couple of days that I don't feel the weird need to have to sleep 12 hours at a time only to be tired anyways. I'm also noticing that I am drinking less coffee, though, I'm not sure by how much.

I've made it my goal to run a marathon. I know I have a long ways to go. With the exception of one day, all of my running has been on an elliptical machine. The one day I ran on ground was a major difference on the legs and made me realize that I have a long ways to go. I want to build my lungs up first and then hit the distance thing. A marathon would be awesome and a major stepping stone in my life on top of being a healthy, positive, constructive goal to have.

and something

I don't know what to say

Yay

I passed all my classes this past semester, which fuck'n rules the house. Of course, I found this out a couple of days ago, so the joy is a little wore, but I know that the pain would have been much sharper with more stamina. I started my next to last undergraduate class yesterday. It shouldn't be too bad. It is very condensed 15 weeks into less than 6 weeks. So a fair amount of work to do everyday.

I went to Phoenix this past weekend. It was nice as I had never been there before. Got to go to a zoo and see a cool broadway show, the first broadway show I really enjoy, though I have only seen 3, and you could say that I did enjoy part of one of the other 2. 70 degrees Fahrenheit is more like 50 to 55 degrees here. The difference is caused by the amount of relative humidity.

I'm getting down to I must make a very important life decision very soon; should I become single? I'm leaning heavily towards yes. I'm pretty sure it is going to happen soon and probably won't be a good moment. But I also believe that it will be a great decision as I don't really feel I was ever into the relationship in the first place.

here it comes

I'm about to take the most important, nerve racking final exam of my life. I spent minimal time in the books. I'm not happy about that. I still have some confidence. There is still hope, especially since I'm right at the average. I'm still nervous, though, as this test may have a major impact on the rest of my life.

This is quite weird because I always studied rigorously for each final and here I am at the most important final I believe I will ever take, at least up to this point, and I spent the least amount of time studying for it. I hope for the benefit of the doubt when the grades come out. I think I will be a little on edge until I see my grade for the class. I don't know what I will do if it is not good. But, I don't know what I will do if it is good.

ok

I just feel like typing for some reason. I've been putting off studying for finals, which begin in less than 2 days. It's a very important time. I know my grades will be submitted by this coming friday, though, I don't when the day is that i will actually be able to view them. I'm somewhat scared and scarily comfortable right now. I don't know how to explain it.

Enjoy

huh

Saying that people are only good because Hell is real, keeping them in fear of it, is saying that 'goodness' is not inherent to humans and must be forced.

damn

Why have I become that person again. I see that I would rather set on the internet looking at stupid pictures of some fucking cat with its head stuck in a box then learn something, when every time I'm in a moment where I have to do something like doing chores or grocery shopping or something mundane, I keep thinking I could be learning some chemistry or learning how the American government works, or at least is supposed to work, only to come home and do bullshit.

I do spend some time reading about atheism and have noticed that my knowledge is slowly growing. And I have started back up my practicing of classical guitar for over a week now and have noticed some nice improvement there already, but I still am not putting the effort to get this school shit over with. I really don't think I will allow myself to live much longer if I fail the class I am in right now. I don't think I could look at myself ever again.

The only thing a professional quitter doesn't quit is the act of quitting.

don't know why

I don't know why but I've been especially lazy these past couple of days. I had a paper due about 7 hours ago that I have probably about 1/3 finished. I know I could knock it out in a few hours and turn it in tomorrow with a 10% penalty and still have a good grade in the class, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel down.

This depression shit is driving me crazy. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I know I am full of potential but I don't keep any drive long enough to exploit it. There are only 6 days of classes left before finals and I have the most important final I will ever take this time around. This final is going to be my make it or break it for graduation, which I know if I break it I will be devastated to have wasted so much time of my life only to fail again, which I can stop if I just get my head in the game, but for some reason that has become a major project.

What is wrong with me? I can't figure this out. Sometimes I wonder if it is at least in part due to the relationship I am in, which I really don't have much feeling for. I can't seem to get the balls enough to get myself out of it. The other thing is I need a job like crazy. I keep taking the initial step of filling out applications or making my resume and even submitting it, but I can't seem to get myself to go any further.

I never used to be like this. I used to be a real go getter but I'm not like that most of the time anymore. I can't seem to get over my fear of myself. This is fucking wearing my ass out, majorly. This is the worst I've felt in my life of a score and a half. I'm right here at the tip of getting what it was I have been working very hard for for far too long and I'm just giving it all up. Sometimes I can't stand myself anymore.

some relief

I just got my last exam back and I was surprised to find that I did above average, which is a major relief for the moment. This means that there is still hope of my graduating. I'm pretty fucking happy about it right now. I even got an extra credit question completely right, which made me very happy and helped me tremendously. I'm still most likely on the low end of the class curve, however, the light is still visible and for that, I am grateful.

coming to it

It's getting very close to the end of the semester; only 2 weeks of classes, then finals. I'm still quite worried about one of my courses, which I just took the 2nd exam a week ago and have no idea where I fell in the class score. Hopefully I was at least at the average, which would warrant some hope. I have to pass this class. If I don't, I'm not sure what I will be capable of doing, i.e., against myself.

I don't know anymore, not that I ever did in the first place. It's all been an 'I have not a clue what I'm going to do with myself' my whole life. I'm getting MUTHAFUCKINGTIREDOFIT. Why can't I find myself? I've been spending the last almost 12 years really doing that search. It seems to me that I run into so many people in my classes that are around 20-22 years old and they got it all mapped out and I have nothing. I feel...I don't know what I feel, just like I don't know who I am.

what

If god made us in god's image, and that, as some people put it, we are unworthy of his righteousness and must continuously beg for his acceptance because we are vile creatures, then it's god's image image pretty fuck'n vile. Fuck You God. Kiss my Mutha Fuck'n Ass...

fuck

I just finished the second exam of the semester for the only class that I'm afraid will keep me from graduating and I'm pretty sure my fear has become justified. I don't know if there is still hope. The only thing I can think of is begging my professor if there is any way that I can still pass. Of course, I still have to see the exam score first, but I don't feel happy about it at all. I was well below the average, though still above several people, on the first exam, but since then several people have dropped the class, which probably puts me at the low end of any curve. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU is all I can really say. I've put 8+ years of my life in college and it looks like I may have just thrown it down the drain.

I feel like I'm in Fight Club where the narrator's life fall's apart one thing at a time until the end when he has nothing left to lose but his life only to fail at one more thing, but springing in a new one. All the while it's just a constant fight with the self, which I feel has been very much what I've been doing for a very long time. I'm really starting to get sick of myself and being afraid all of the time. Sometimes I wonder how much it hurts to bleed out the neck.

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

"Saw the gap again today...As you were begging me to stay...take care not to make me enter...if I do we both may disappear...Saw this infant here before me...what is this but my reflection...who am I to judge or strike you down...."

D-D-D-double quake, for the lulz
D-D-D-double quake, for the skulls
D-D-D-double quake, cause it's fun
D-D-D-double quake, in the Japanese sun

no, you're close minded

Some Christians : "You allow no room to have faith in christianity. You're close minded."

some atheists : "No. You obviously do not know about how many of us atheists work, or you don't even listen to us. We will follow christianity as the truth the moment logical evidence and reasoning show christianity to be true. That's open mindedness. You will not believe anything else no matter how much the evidence shows it to be true. You would not disbelieve christianity even if there were mountains of evidence to show it to be false. That's close mindedness."

sick of it

I'm getting sick of it all, listening to how god caused all of the destruction in Japan only for people then to have to ask god for help to make it better. Is this god's way of working? I mean, does god only do this kind of stuff to keep people on their toes so that he can make his quarterly audit to keep track of who is keeping him at the top of all priorities, as apparently god chooses not to apply the omniscience so famously god it praised for. Why does god always have to fuck up so many lives of others in order to give lessons to another group of people?

Again god can kiss my unwashed asshole! god already knew I was going to say it, I'm still here; god already knows that I've bought my ticket to hell that god so graciously gives out with his undying love. I think the difference between suffering physical pain for an eternity outweighs the mental pain one must eternally suffer making continuous knee bending praises to a major fucking prick.

So, I'm getting drunk again. I'm starting to think that this may becoming a bad thing lately. I'm on about a once a week binge and the binge really isn't even a binge, it's more likely a drinking contest for pussies, where the pussy only drinks about 7 beers and is fucking hammered and may not even remember going to bed. Yeah, you heard that shit.

I have noticed that I have been a bit more motivated lately. I had a final exam yesterday for an 8 weeks course. I was scared as my grade was walking a thin line and the guy doesn't like to curve, but I felt well with my take of the exam. Of course, I've came out of countless exams only to realize that I ended up doing horrible. If I do horrible on this exam my life as a college student will be over.

However, the qm shit is getting pretty muthafukngoddamnedintense and I have some ketchup to do.

Something is happening to me. I will be unstoppable...in a good way!!!!!!!!! and some more html fuck all my muthafuknbullshit!!!!!

try

this is italics
this is bold
this is normal
this is bold italics
this is underlined
this is underlined bold italics

this is a heading, or more like a footing

I never really new what html was. I never understood it when I had to choose whether to read my email in html or whatever the other choice/s was/were. I just always hoped that I picked the right one in order to read the email without never ending lines of code. I'm still a little lost...and so it goes.

fuck yeah

da

About to have my first appointment at the career center.  Cause, you know, I'm only graduating in a few months and still have no idea what it is that I'm going to do when I grow up.  Perhaps this will be worth the time.  Not much lately has felt worth the time.  I've become extremely efficient with time waste management.  Is that a marketable skill?  Is there an age that they prefer like in the music industry?  I'm about to be a 30-something, am I still legit?  Was I ever legit?  Will I ever have positive self esteem again? I will!

The Temperature Dependence of the Vapor Pressure of Carbon Tetrachloride

This experiment gives you the opportunity to examine the thermodynamics of a pure system, namely CCl4. In particular, you will study the phase diagram of this system, which is rather simple because there is only a single chemical component,  Thus it is sufficient to plot the vapor pressure as a function of temperature.  Then, by using the Clapeyron equation you will be able to extract the enthalpy of sublimation and vaporization, and the temperature of the phase transitions.

Theory
We would liek to derive the condition that pressure P and temperature T must obey in order for two phases to be in equilibrium. As always, we start form the fundamental requirem=ent that for two phases and tto be in equilibrium their chemical potentials must be equal:

ua=ub  (1)

Now the chemical potential of a pure substance is just the molar Gibbs free energy.  By taking the differential of the above eqaution we obtain:

dua=dub  (2)

which leads to

dGma=dGmb  (3)

 and so

-Sma dT + VmadP = -Smb dT + Vmb dP  (4)

can rearrange to

dP/dT = (Smb - Sma)/(Vmb - Vma) = delSm/delVm  (5)

Now delSm for a phase transition is just Hm/T, and we can approximate delVm as RT/P, since we are looking at the difference in volume between a gas (large) and a condensed phase (small).  These substitutions result in the Clausius-Clapeyron equation:

dP/dT = delHm/T(RT/P)  (6)

which most conveniently is written as

dlnP/d(1/T) = -delHm/R  (7)

Thus a plot of lnP as a function of 1/T has a slope delHm/R.  If delHm were independent of temperature, this slope would be constant.  If not, some curvature in the plot would be evident.  For extracting thermodynamic quantities it's easiest to work with the integrated form of equation 6, eventaully arriving at:

ln(P/Po) = (delH/R)*[(1/To)-(1/T)]

does it matter

Am I one of few who doesn't really give a shit about evolution?  It's not that I don't accept it, but I seem to find it to be a boring topic.  I may be interested in it someday in my life, but I tend to become quickly bored when reading yet another creationism/evolution argument.  I understand that the argument occurs because there are creationists who claim that evolution is not real because god is real, thus, rebuttals require evolutions defense.

I'm failing a class at the moment.  There is only one week left.  Fortunately, I'm not too far from the line and I still have 2 more lab reports and a final exam to bring my grade back up to passing.  I really don't care about learning anymore, which is quite irritating.  As I've been losing my motivation to study, even though i find most of the topics very interesting, my interest is to just pass the class and graduate.  I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.  I finally set up a full appointment at the career center, which will probably end up with her saying I need to see a counselor, which I plan on telling her that I have been and that I've been stuck in a rut in life for a decade trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I grow up.  I can't help but wonder if I will still be thinking this when I'm 70, if I can last that long.

dhkt

Yet again, it's the night before another lab report is due and I will end up being awake for almost all of the night until I give up for a couple of hours to sleep, at which point I will hopefully be most of the way if not totally done with the report assuming everything goes well, which it hasn't so far.  I'm sometimes very idealistic, which usually, though not always, perpetually declines as the deadline approaches.

I got the monster juice and have sipped a little.  I went for quite a while, a few months, with little bad sugar intake and now I'm on a bad sugar intake increase.  This only makes me realize the laziness I have displayed heavily over the last year; that I have to have energy drinks in order to have the energy to get things done rather than getting the proper exercise and diet...another thing dragging my self esteem down lately.

qrg

fuck commas

ouyt

And then the next beer started to get me a little over the line that I didn't want to go over...and it was only my second beer.  Does that mean I need to drink more, so I'm not so much an alcohol pussy?  Actually, it leaves me at a financial advantage and I don't feel like an addict in the process.  I don't ever want to feel like an addict again, except when it's being addicted to getting shit done and enjoying myself in the process.  That may be a good addiction, assuming there is such a thing.

However, my lab report has got at least a little chunk taken out, but I always spend far too much time on the wording alone, let alone trying understand the damn results and why they didn't work, which they almost never do.  It took many an experiments to realize that most of them never work right, let alone ideally, resulting in the reason of failure explanations that tend to be ambiguous, but must be that way to a point.  Results, even in the most ideal of situations always have error involved, whether it's random, erratic, or systematic, it's always there anytime a measurement is taken.  However, most undergrads don't give a shit, they, including myself (usually) just want to get that damn set of pages in, get the grade, get the class overwith, and fucking graduate.  At least that is what I am beginning to feel.  Was it naive that I actually wanted to learn in the first place?  Or am I still learning, but with less care?

I guess I'll have a couple of more drinks and read some more of my other shit and wonder if I really am still that naive, especially when I never appear to put any constructive comments into something, as it always appears that everybody else is beyond what I have to say.  My day will come, and I will never look back...

uyd

And then I said, "Ok"

So, for my next trick, I am going to make some stuff happen and you won't even know it happened.

Can you hear me?  I'm typing as loud as I can.  I used to be a radio dj. I used to lobby the station to do an all sign language show.  Is it not discrimination that they did not do such a show?

I'm thinking that if I could go to the store and get some coffee, I might have to pay for it.

Yes, I'm wasting time, not typing a paper due tomorrow over some stuff I don't really understand.

dtumja

It's been relatively happy times the last couple of days.  I'm still behind on this report I must write for this week.  I have some other homework, which I want to do some and don't want to do some, but haven't worked on it much.

Had an alright discussion today on purposeness without religion.  As I feel, there is less purpose if my ultimate purpose is only to satisfy god and not myself.  Without god, I feel I have more of a purpose to enjoy what it is in which I choose to be a part of, along with everyone else, even though I don't enjoy it every day and haven't had much joy lately...but that's another story.  It may be related to be not standing up for myself and typically letting other people have the one up over me so that they will like me, which I think is bullshit as I end up doing shit that I don't want to or agreeing or disagreeing with something I don't want to, etc., just to make others happy.  And I'm feeling the same way about the god thing.  Fortunately, I don't ascribe to any gods.  That's one hurdle.  Now, if I would quit being afraid to express it when I feel the need is there, i.e., if someone starts preaching to me.  If we don't get along over it, so be it.  I don't have to be friends with everyone, and I'm not anyways, and I need to step up for myself.  We can still be civil about it...and stuff.

ask;finq

I almost finished the report.  I haven't written a complete one in far too long.  I can never manage to ever get them finished anymore, even if I spend a good amount of time on them.  I was pretty happy with this one though, as it was going to do some good for my grade.  Then, only to realize as I got to school, I had left my flash drive with the report on it at home and it was due at that moment.  No matter what, at that point it was going to be a day late, which means a 10 % penalty.  Fuck'n shit balls.  This is the second time I've taken this class.  The last time I took it, I worked extremely hard on the papers, but I was also a drug addict and wasn't thinking straight, mostly due to dehydration and malnourishment caused by being in the adderal zone.  You almost couldn't stop me from studying, but I didn't remember much because i was not treating myself well.

Things are starting to look grim for this class again, but I know there is still hope as there are still four more papers left to write and they are worth more points than the previous three.  If I fail this class again, I think I will call it quits, even if I am this close to the end.  I'm beginning to think that no one will higher me anyways.  I was supposed to graduate about six months ago.  Now I'm supposed to graduate in about 2 months and haven't put in the slightest bit of effort to finding a job or looking at grad schools or anything related to post graduation stuff.  I can't even get myself to get a job and I'm so broke right now.  Fortunately, I have some help, but I need to fucking quit this stupid ass childish bullshit and grow up.  I don't know what has happened to me.  Is there any hope left anymore?

msrt

I'm tired of myself, my lack of motivation, my fluctuating self esteem, my inability to get my mind to shut the fuck up and enjoy it all, my constant holding on an inability to let go, my ignorance on how to let go, my indecisiveness, my naivety, my great ability to quit, my whatever ellipsis

I keep wanting to learn, I have a vast want but lost that drive I had for the first 20 years of life.  Now it's been almost 10 years since I had it for such an extended period.  I get spurts of it here and there, even for a year or so, but then I crash hard and have no drive whatsoever.  I'm tired of it.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have not even began to find my full potential.  I have much to learn, but no desire to try.  I can't stand this shit anymore.  I keep getting closer to the bottom.

It's funny that I used to want to be this cliche and be a drug addict, partly so i could do the fight club thing and hit rock bottom to gain a new outlook on life, and partly just so I would have the experience to empathize and help others.  I never thought it would happen, then it did.  I went through the addiction after doing one of the dumbest things I ever did about a year and a half ago.  I finally kicked the addiction about 4 months ago after going through dry, depressing times of not having the drug, to still being depressed even after this much time.  I haven't dropped out of school but have failed a more than a semesters worth of classes, burned some bridges, gained some weight, lost communication, become extremely distant from making new relationships, failed miserably at growing up, have fallen to having to ask for money all of the time, yet still have tons of love around me from family and friends.  I can't say I don't have any love towards me from them, but perhaps I have none from me for myself anymore.

I was an honor student that always had a job, always got shit done, and always worked hard for what I wanted.  Now I'm the opposite.  I still have yet to grow up and stand up for me and take live by the neck and smack it around to let it know who's boss.  I see people I grew up with that were pieces of shit when we were growing up to having good jobs and things going well for them.  I was the good kid and now I'm the piece of shit that doesn't do much.

I wish I never had to go down like this, I don't ever want to go through this again.  I've felt strongly on many occasions that I'm never going to make it out, that there's no hope anymore.  Some people might say that I need to find Jesus.  Fuck that bullshit.  Then I'm still not living for myself, only for some mega-egotistical asshole that has nothing better to do than demand my obedience and punish me for wanting to live for me.  Apparently that is love to some.

wy4

And now, as usual, I'm not studying, but I'm somewhat wasting time and learning, though not the learning that I've put so much time into for a piece of paper that says that I put the time into that should get me a better job that I don't really want as I can't seem to make up my mind on much of anything like when the appropriate time comes to end a sentence may be in order that I don't become to wordy only to lose my audience...and stuff.

I have spent more time lately learning all of the state capitals and names of countries.  I am happy now that I can name all the states and the respective state capital without any aid.  I can also now, with the aid of a map only for spatial reference, name all of the countries in Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, and North America as well as all of the provinces in Canada and whatever the provinces or states are in Australia.  I think this is good knowledge to have.  In this day and age, I think it's a good thing to know about the world we live in.
Hell, when I saw Borat, I thought Kazakhstan was a made up country only to eventually realize it is a relatively large Asian country.

I'm pretty lacking on U.S. history, let alone world history.  My next adventure is to spend time learning first about the Constitution and it's constituents and the formation of the U.S.  But, I'm also trying to learn more on Atheism and how to argue, though I have had very little practice in application of argument, which is a fundamental necessity for good practice and growth.

I've been a pretty naive person most of my life.  I didn't understand how memorization didn't lead to understanding for several years.  Better stated, I didn't understand why I didn't grasp some concepts such as calculus when I spent so much time memorizing problems.  I thought the understanding came with the memorization.  Now I'm paying the price for it.  But at least I finally realized my problem even though people would say that you have to understand this, you can't just memorize it; only for me to rebut that I didn't understand what they meant so just keep on memorizing.

Relaxation is also a key that I didn't realize I was missing out on.  I was very tense, always had tense facial muscles and leg and shoulder muscles when I didn't even realize it until it was pointed out to me.  Wasting all of that energy on something completely unnecessary and, in fact, hindering my abilities.

I'm still struggling with all of this stuff, but I'm slowly getting better at it, or at least I think I am.

Second guessing myself is another problem within itself.

Enjoy

syjz

Welcome to this day, the first day after yesterday and the last one before the next one.  My balls are still blue.  Did you know that having blue balls will actually cause you to urinate semen within the next 24 or so hours?  It scared the shit out of me the first couple of times that it happened cause my pee was very cloudy.

I had to go to the doctor once cause it hurt when I pee.  The doctor suggested that I not stand on a hot plate.

Quantum mechanics uses an irrationally large box to approximate electron orbitals and their energies.  It's a interesting paradox-like rationality that actually has been working for a long time...using impossibility to understand possibility.  Only now they are fine tuning it, infinitely.

I get tired of hearing that my atheism keeps me from being able to feel love, from having any morals or self-worth or reason to live.  As if the only meaning to life were for god and not for me, because that would be selfish of me to want real meaning for my life and to take away from living only for god...as if life is not my own.  If my only purpose to serve god's apparently unselfish desires, then I see that as being equal to the limit of x --> infinity of 1/x.  That is no purpose to me.  I would not be doing anything to help myself, nothing would be satisfying except that god likes it.  I would be like one of those dimwit assistants that are paid to tell their boss how awesome the boss is in any situation whether it is a lie or not, even when the boss knows it's not the truth.  bullshit