don't know why

I don't know why but I've been especially lazy these past couple of days. I had a paper due about 7 hours ago that I have probably about 1/3 finished. I know I could knock it out in a few hours and turn it in tomorrow with a 10% penalty and still have a good grade in the class, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel down.

This depression shit is driving me crazy. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I know I am full of potential but I don't keep any drive long enough to exploit it. There are only 6 days of classes left before finals and I have the most important final I will ever take this time around. This final is going to be my make it or break it for graduation, which I know if I break it I will be devastated to have wasted so much time of my life only to fail again, which I can stop if I just get my head in the game, but for some reason that has become a major project.

What is wrong with me? I can't figure this out. Sometimes I wonder if it is at least in part due to the relationship I am in, which I really don't have much feeling for. I can't seem to get the balls enough to get myself out of it. The other thing is I need a job like crazy. I keep taking the initial step of filling out applications or making my resume and even submitting it, but I can't seem to get myself to go any further.

I never used to be like this. I used to be a real go getter but I'm not like that most of the time anymore. I can't seem to get over my fear of myself. This is fucking wearing my ass out, majorly. This is the worst I've felt in my life of a score and a half. I'm right here at the tip of getting what it was I have been working very hard for for far too long and I'm just giving it all up. Sometimes I can't stand myself anymore.