msrt

I'm tired of myself, my lack of motivation, my fluctuating self esteem, my inability to get my mind to shut the fuck up and enjoy it all, my constant holding on an inability to let go, my ignorance on how to let go, my indecisiveness, my naivety, my great ability to quit, my whatever ellipsis

I keep wanting to learn, I have a vast want but lost that drive I had for the first 20 years of life.  Now it's been almost 10 years since I had it for such an extended period.  I get spurts of it here and there, even for a year or so, but then I crash hard and have no drive whatsoever.  I'm tired of it.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have not even began to find my full potential.  I have much to learn, but no desire to try.  I can't stand this shit anymore.  I keep getting closer to the bottom.

It's funny that I used to want to be this cliche and be a drug addict, partly so i could do the fight club thing and hit rock bottom to gain a new outlook on life, and partly just so I would have the experience to empathize and help others.  I never thought it would happen, then it did.  I went through the addiction after doing one of the dumbest things I ever did about a year and a half ago.  I finally kicked the addiction about 4 months ago after going through dry, depressing times of not having the drug, to still being depressed even after this much time.  I haven't dropped out of school but have failed a more than a semesters worth of classes, burned some bridges, gained some weight, lost communication, become extremely distant from making new relationships, failed miserably at growing up, have fallen to having to ask for money all of the time, yet still have tons of love around me from family and friends.  I can't say I don't have any love towards me from them, but perhaps I have none from me for myself anymore.

I was an honor student that always had a job, always got shit done, and always worked hard for what I wanted.  Now I'm the opposite.  I still have yet to grow up and stand up for me and take live by the neck and smack it around to let it know who's boss.  I see people I grew up with that were pieces of shit when we were growing up to having good jobs and things going well for them.  I was the good kid and now I'm the piece of shit that doesn't do much.

I wish I never had to go down like this, I don't ever want to go through this again.  I've felt strongly on many occasions that I'm never going to make it out, that there's no hope anymore.  Some people might say that I need to find Jesus.  Fuck that bullshit.  Then I'm still not living for myself, only for some mega-egotistical asshole that has nothing better to do than demand my obedience and punish me for wanting to live for me.  Apparently that is love to some.