closing in

In a few hours there will only be 5 weeks of classes left in my undergraduate career. Even better, since the class only meets 2 days a week, there will only be 10 days of class left, which I believe the last day of class is only for checking in all lab materials, thus leaving only 9 real class days left!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately our grades are not being posted as each paper and assignment is being graded so I don't have a clue how I am doing. I know my reports have not been very good. The AI appears to be fairly lenient. One day in a light hearted conversation amongst him, I, and a few other students I asked if all you really needed to do was not complain to pass the class and he replied with pretty much. This was most likely said as a joke, but I'm really hoping there is some truth to that.

I'm 3 semesters behind in the course's material, which sucks on major donkey dongs. Yet again, I've been lazy about trying to rehash it, just in hopes that I can get by with a passing grade and graduate. I hate that I do that. The weird thing is that I really enjoy learning the stuff, so why is it so hard to get myself to do something I really enjoy? I can't figure that one out.

I do read a lot about atheism everyday, though have no real working knowledge of any religions or church/state separation or much else. I read the blogs and some news everyday, sometimes for several hours. I do enjoy it, but I really need to start understanding U.S. history and historical U.S. documents and start becoming active in the fight to keep the supernatural bullshit out and putting the rational in.

I'm still scared about what life is going to be like after I graduate, meaning I'm still afraid of myself. I still have barely looked for a job applying my upcoming degree. I do finally have a job right now doing bitch work in retail. It's not bad and I did the exact job for a few years anyways, so I fell right back into it. I'm finally working back to financial freedom.

I also ran my first 5K equivalent last week and it was awesome. I am really starting to see improvement, which means I am getting healthier. YAY!

a little rant

For believers, their only purpose is to make god happy.

A god who is omnieverything is somehow not happy if you live for yourself, and perhaps those around you.

And you're the selfish one for living such a vile way to not satisfy god.

I finally took a step

Today I finally made a step in my skeptical life of pointing out something that was mentioned by CFI but not backed up. I felt nervous for some reason, which is probably due to it being my first time and being afraid that what I was saying was either wrong due to me missing something and/or I was scared of the rebuttal, which is probably the biggest reason for my fear of not saying anything in the first place.

I did get a response and I don't know if I should make another rebuttal or not. It turns out I was right in what I said, but the reason was that there footage was intermittent and they couldn't get what I was looking for. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to just let it go and believe them or to claim bullshit. Would the skeptic not claim bullshit? I'm still new to this and will be for a while.

I can feel it

I'm sure I've written about this before, or not. I keep finding myself in the position of wanting to become very active in the atheist (separation of church and state) and gay movements, but have yet to take any action. I know I'm not very knowledgeable on either topic when it comes to law, history, and other things. I know I could not go into a debate well armed. I'm ready to jump out of this damn shell I've been stuck in my whole life. I'm ready to scream...

getting there

There are only 9 class days left of my current next-to-last class of my undergraduate career. Being taught in less than 5 1/2 weeks makes for an intense course, especially for an upper level math course. We're doing well plugging through it but I kept having a hard time keeping concepts in my memory even if I understood them when I was reading about them. This made for some suck moments of not getting newer topics, some of which I kept trying to understand and could not so I have been going over all of the sections yet again, along with doing practice problems to drill them in my head. I still have the four latest sections to get to, which I have only slightly touched. When I say slightly, I mean either I have only touched it through class lecture or I have gone through it with no understanding. We have the largest homework assignment due in 2 days and I still have over half of the old stuff to get through before I even get to the homework topics. Ball suck'n.

At least I'm learning something. I have been wondering lately if I was ever really going to learn anything in my degree. I am sure that I have learned more than I really think, but there is just, probably/hopefully, some suppression that I still have yet to release in order to let it flow. I feel that this is the case with my drumming skills. I always feel afraid to just let go and let it all flow, which makes everything I play sort of choppy and on the verge of catastrophe. I suppose almost every aspect of my life is that way.

On a good note, I have been running everyday with the exception of one, for 17 days now. I'm not sure if it is due to the running but I have noticed just in the last couple of days that I don't feel the weird need to have to sleep 12 hours at a time only to be tired anyways. I'm also noticing that I am drinking less coffee, though, I'm not sure by how much.

I've made it my goal to run a marathon. I know I have a long ways to go. With the exception of one day, all of my running has been on an elliptical machine. The one day I ran on ground was a major difference on the legs and made me realize that I have a long ways to go. I want to build my lungs up first and then hit the distance thing. A marathon would be awesome and a major stepping stone in my life on top of being a healthy, positive, constructive goal to have.

and something

I don't know what to say

Yay

I passed all my classes this past semester, which fuck'n rules the house. Of course, I found this out a couple of days ago, so the joy is a little wore, but I know that the pain would have been much sharper with more stamina. I started my next to last undergraduate class yesterday. It shouldn't be too bad. It is very condensed 15 weeks into less than 6 weeks. So a fair amount of work to do everyday.

I went to Phoenix this past weekend. It was nice as I had never been there before. Got to go to a zoo and see a cool broadway show, the first broadway show I really enjoy, though I have only seen 3, and you could say that I did enjoy part of one of the other 2. 70 degrees Fahrenheit is more like 50 to 55 degrees here. The difference is caused by the amount of relative humidity.

I'm getting down to I must make a very important life decision very soon; should I become single? I'm leaning heavily towards yes. I'm pretty sure it is going to happen soon and probably won't be a good moment. But I also believe that it will be a great decision as I don't really feel I was ever into the relationship in the first place.

here it comes

I'm about to take the most important, nerve racking final exam of my life. I spent minimal time in the books. I'm not happy about that. I still have some confidence. There is still hope, especially since I'm right at the average. I'm still nervous, though, as this test may have a major impact on the rest of my life.

This is quite weird because I always studied rigorously for each final and here I am at the most important final I believe I will ever take, at least up to this point, and I spent the least amount of time studying for it. I hope for the benefit of the doubt when the grades come out. I think I will be a little on edge until I see my grade for the class. I don't know what I will do if it is not good. But, I don't know what I will do if it is good.

ok

I just feel like typing for some reason. I've been putting off studying for finals, which begin in less than 2 days. It's a very important time. I know my grades will be submitted by this coming friday, though, I don't when the day is that i will actually be able to view them. I'm somewhat scared and scarily comfortable right now. I don't know how to explain it.

Enjoy

huh

Saying that people are only good because Hell is real, keeping them in fear of it, is saying that 'goodness' is not inherent to humans and must be forced.

damn

Why have I become that person again. I see that I would rather set on the internet looking at stupid pictures of some fucking cat with its head stuck in a box then learn something, when every time I'm in a moment where I have to do something like doing chores or grocery shopping or something mundane, I keep thinking I could be learning some chemistry or learning how the American government works, or at least is supposed to work, only to come home and do bullshit.

I do spend some time reading about atheism and have noticed that my knowledge is slowly growing. And I have started back up my practicing of classical guitar for over a week now and have noticed some nice improvement there already, but I still am not putting the effort to get this school shit over with. I really don't think I will allow myself to live much longer if I fail the class I am in right now. I don't think I could look at myself ever again.

The only thing a professional quitter doesn't quit is the act of quitting.

don't know why

I don't know why but I've been especially lazy these past couple of days. I had a paper due about 7 hours ago that I have probably about 1/3 finished. I know I could knock it out in a few hours and turn it in tomorrow with a 10% penalty and still have a good grade in the class, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel down.

This depression shit is driving me crazy. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I know I am full of potential but I don't keep any drive long enough to exploit it. There are only 6 days of classes left before finals and I have the most important final I will ever take this time around. This final is going to be my make it or break it for graduation, which I know if I break it I will be devastated to have wasted so much time of my life only to fail again, which I can stop if I just get my head in the game, but for some reason that has become a major project.

What is wrong with me? I can't figure this out. Sometimes I wonder if it is at least in part due to the relationship I am in, which I really don't have much feeling for. I can't seem to get the balls enough to get myself out of it. The other thing is I need a job like crazy. I keep taking the initial step of filling out applications or making my resume and even submitting it, but I can't seem to get myself to go any further.

I never used to be like this. I used to be a real go getter but I'm not like that most of the time anymore. I can't seem to get over my fear of myself. This is fucking wearing my ass out, majorly. This is the worst I've felt in my life of a score and a half. I'm right here at the tip of getting what it was I have been working very hard for for far too long and I'm just giving it all up. Sometimes I can't stand myself anymore.

some relief

I just got my last exam back and I was surprised to find that I did above average, which is a major relief for the moment. This means that there is still hope of my graduating. I'm pretty fucking happy about it right now. I even got an extra credit question completely right, which made me very happy and helped me tremendously. I'm still most likely on the low end of the class curve, however, the light is still visible and for that, I am grateful.

coming to it

It's getting very close to the end of the semester; only 2 weeks of classes, then finals. I'm still quite worried about one of my courses, which I just took the 2nd exam a week ago and have no idea where I fell in the class score. Hopefully I was at least at the average, which would warrant some hope. I have to pass this class. If I don't, I'm not sure what I will be capable of doing, i.e., against myself.

I don't know anymore, not that I ever did in the first place. It's all been an 'I have not a clue what I'm going to do with myself' my whole life. I'm getting MUTHAFUCKINGTIREDOFIT. Why can't I find myself? I've been spending the last almost 12 years really doing that search. It seems to me that I run into so many people in my classes that are around 20-22 years old and they got it all mapped out and I have nothing. I feel...I don't know what I feel, just like I don't know who I am.

what

If god made us in god's image, and that, as some people put it, we are unworthy of his righteousness and must continuously beg for his acceptance because we are vile creatures, then it's god's image image pretty fuck'n vile. Fuck You God. Kiss my Mutha Fuck'n Ass...

fuck

I just finished the second exam of the semester for the only class that I'm afraid will keep me from graduating and I'm pretty sure my fear has become justified. I don't know if there is still hope. The only thing I can think of is begging my professor if there is any way that I can still pass. Of course, I still have to see the exam score first, but I don't feel happy about it at all. I was well below the average, though still above several people, on the first exam, but since then several people have dropped the class, which probably puts me at the low end of any curve. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU is all I can really say. I've put 8+ years of my life in college and it looks like I may have just thrown it down the drain.

I feel like I'm in Fight Club where the narrator's life fall's apart one thing at a time until the end when he has nothing left to lose but his life only to fail at one more thing, but springing in a new one. All the while it's just a constant fight with the self, which I feel has been very much what I've been doing for a very long time. I'm really starting to get sick of myself and being afraid all of the time. Sometimes I wonder how much it hurts to bleed out the neck.

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

"Saw the gap again today...As you were begging me to stay...take care not to make me enter...if I do we both may disappear...Saw this infant here before me...what is this but my reflection...who am I to judge or strike you down...."

D-D-D-double quake, for the lulz
D-D-D-double quake, for the skulls
D-D-D-double quake, cause it's fun
D-D-D-double quake, in the Japanese sun

no, you're close minded

Some Christians : "You allow no room to have faith in christianity. You're close minded."

some atheists : "No. You obviously do not know about how many of us atheists work, or you don't even listen to us. We will follow christianity as the truth the moment logical evidence and reasoning show christianity to be true. That's open mindedness. You will not believe anything else no matter how much the evidence shows it to be true. You would not disbelieve christianity even if there were mountains of evidence to show it to be false. That's close mindedness."

sick of it

I'm getting sick of it all, listening to how god caused all of the destruction in Japan only for people then to have to ask god for help to make it better. Is this god's way of working? I mean, does god only do this kind of stuff to keep people on their toes so that he can make his quarterly audit to keep track of who is keeping him at the top of all priorities, as apparently god chooses not to apply the omniscience so famously god it praised for. Why does god always have to fuck up so many lives of others in order to give lessons to another group of people?

Again god can kiss my unwashed asshole! god already knew I was going to say it, I'm still here; god already knows that I've bought my ticket to hell that god so graciously gives out with his undying love. I think the difference between suffering physical pain for an eternity outweighs the mental pain one must eternally suffer making continuous knee bending praises to a major fucking prick.

So, I'm getting drunk again. I'm starting to think that this may becoming a bad thing lately. I'm on about a once a week binge and the binge really isn't even a binge, it's more likely a drinking contest for pussies, where the pussy only drinks about 7 beers and is fucking hammered and may not even remember going to bed. Yeah, you heard that shit.

I have noticed that I have been a bit more motivated lately. I had a final exam yesterday for an 8 weeks course. I was scared as my grade was walking a thin line and the guy doesn't like to curve, but I felt well with my take of the exam. Of course, I've came out of countless exams only to realize that I ended up doing horrible. If I do horrible on this exam my life as a college student will be over.

However, the qm shit is getting pretty muthafukngoddamnedintense and I have some ketchup to do.

Something is happening to me. I will be unstoppable...in a good way!!!!!!!!! and some more html fuck all my muthafuknbullshit!!!!!