here it comes

I'm about to take the most important, nerve racking final exam of my life. I spent minimal time in the books. I'm not happy about that. I still have some confidence. There is still hope, especially since I'm right at the average. I'm still nervous, though, as this test may have a major impact on the rest of my life.

This is quite weird because I always studied rigorously for each final and here I am at the most important final I believe I will ever take, at least up to this point, and I spent the least amount of time studying for it. I hope for the benefit of the doubt when the grades come out. I think I will be a little on edge until I see my grade for the class. I don't know what I will do if it is not good. But, I don't know what I will do if it is good.

ok

I just feel like typing for some reason. I've been putting off studying for finals, which begin in less than 2 days. It's a very important time. I know my grades will be submitted by this coming friday, though, I don't when the day is that i will actually be able to view them. I'm somewhat scared and scarily comfortable right now. I don't know how to explain it.

Enjoy

huh

Saying that people are only good because Hell is real, keeping them in fear of it, is saying that 'goodness' is not inherent to humans and must be forced.

damn

Why have I become that person again. I see that I would rather set on the internet looking at stupid pictures of some fucking cat with its head stuck in a box then learn something, when every time I'm in a moment where I have to do something like doing chores or grocery shopping or something mundane, I keep thinking I could be learning some chemistry or learning how the American government works, or at least is supposed to work, only to come home and do bullshit.

I do spend some time reading about atheism and have noticed that my knowledge is slowly growing. And I have started back up my practicing of classical guitar for over a week now and have noticed some nice improvement there already, but I still am not putting the effort to get this school shit over with. I really don't think I will allow myself to live much longer if I fail the class I am in right now. I don't think I could look at myself ever again.

The only thing a professional quitter doesn't quit is the act of quitting.

don't know why

I don't know why but I've been especially lazy these past couple of days. I had a paper due about 7 hours ago that I have probably about 1/3 finished. I know I could knock it out in a few hours and turn it in tomorrow with a 10% penalty and still have a good grade in the class, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel down.

This depression shit is driving me crazy. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I know I am full of potential but I don't keep any drive long enough to exploit it. There are only 6 days of classes left before finals and I have the most important final I will ever take this time around. This final is going to be my make it or break it for graduation, which I know if I break it I will be devastated to have wasted so much time of my life only to fail again, which I can stop if I just get my head in the game, but for some reason that has become a major project.

What is wrong with me? I can't figure this out. Sometimes I wonder if it is at least in part due to the relationship I am in, which I really don't have much feeling for. I can't seem to get the balls enough to get myself out of it. The other thing is I need a job like crazy. I keep taking the initial step of filling out applications or making my resume and even submitting it, but I can't seem to get myself to go any further.

I never used to be like this. I used to be a real go getter but I'm not like that most of the time anymore. I can't seem to get over my fear of myself. This is fucking wearing my ass out, majorly. This is the worst I've felt in my life of a score and a half. I'm right here at the tip of getting what it was I have been working very hard for for far too long and I'm just giving it all up. Sometimes I can't stand myself anymore.

some relief

I just got my last exam back and I was surprised to find that I did above average, which is a major relief for the moment. This means that there is still hope of my graduating. I'm pretty fucking happy about it right now. I even got an extra credit question completely right, which made me very happy and helped me tremendously. I'm still most likely on the low end of the class curve, however, the light is still visible and for that, I am grateful.

coming to it

It's getting very close to the end of the semester; only 2 weeks of classes, then finals. I'm still quite worried about one of my courses, which I just took the 2nd exam a week ago and have no idea where I fell in the class score. Hopefully I was at least at the average, which would warrant some hope. I have to pass this class. If I don't, I'm not sure what I will be capable of doing, i.e., against myself.

I don't know anymore, not that I ever did in the first place. It's all been an 'I have not a clue what I'm going to do with myself' my whole life. I'm getting MUTHAFUCKINGTIREDOFIT. Why can't I find myself? I've been spending the last almost 12 years really doing that search. It seems to me that I run into so many people in my classes that are around 20-22 years old and they got it all mapped out and I have nothing. I feel...I don't know what I feel, just like I don't know who I am.